Coaches Corner: Delivering Difficult Conversations
July 18, 2024
TRANSCRIPT
One thing I noticed when we're teaching about background conversations, for example, people have what seems like a huge aversion to actually going and doing using it in any way.
Like, I've had a few outliers who use it and then email us to tell us about it and send photos. And they're very few and far between. And I always have this sense when we're leaving the training of just, like, really hoping people will take it and use it. And I know we can't force anyone to, but I was just wondering your thoughts on people's resistance to using that tool and really going and having the conversation and, I don't know, kinda how to navigate that with them or have them be more apt to go and use it.
It's so funny because I just literally taught this an hour ago, and I think that a couple of things about this. The background conversation work the preparation work to have a background conversation is if done completely and with a with, like, really moving to taking responsibility for what you can every aspect of it that you can. When you look at the facts, what happened versus the interpretations, and you see for yourself, okay. This happened, this happened, this happened, and then I have the story and I made this up, and I and I interpreted this, and I projected this in onto the situation, whatever that is that you were doing.
I believe that's only part of it. The other thing that I recently became aware of with myself in a background conversation that I have had is that I had a part in it. So, you know, when I looked at what I could do differently, what I did to maybe even exacerbate the situation, which is something you don't look at when you're when you're sure the other person is wrong and you're right, and I start doing that, it becomes more it kind of it's like it's like if there was an if there was a ball that was a knot and you start to loosen it, it starts to get looser and looser and looser and looser and you start to see, okay.
Wow. I coulda handled this really differently. So that it never would be a background conversation.
And then I went and told somebody about it, and then I told three people about it, and I got agreement. And I it just made it more and more solid. I think you can get yourself to the point where the background conversation almost disappears.
So you can get to a a freedom of being able to take action. Maybe you never have to bring it up, but you overcome it. You know? Like, you get Yeah. You overcome the situation. You know, we talk about forgiveness. You can forgive the person so you never have to have the conversation.
The main thing is that when you have a background conversation, it's impacting your freedom. It's impacting the relationship you have with yourself. That is probably the key. Key.
It's narrowing your relational field so you have less freedom to move. And when you can clear it out of the way, then you have freedom, then you have possibilities again. Right. Would it be great if people said, hey.
I need to talk to you about something.
Right? When you said that to me, it really hurt my feelings. I didn't think you wanted me to be in the meeting anymore.
I obsessed about that for days, and I blamed you. And it really was my my own insecurity maybe or my own fear, but I wanted to just ask you and find out the truth. Do you not want me in this meeting? And the person usually will say, what?
What are you talking about? You know? Of course, I'll invite you in the meeting. I wonder why you were so quiet.
Boom. The whole thing is resolved. Mhmm. Right? It's it it it's just so it's like, I would say it's like getting to honesty, getting to the place. So it doesn't have to be so formal.
However, you do have to do the work yourself. Like, sometimes I say to myself, what's really bugging me about this? What's really bothering me? Then I instantly jump to a whole bunch of my you're a jerk, then you must be a total you must be insecure. You you know what? I'm totally caught up in the story.
And that stops me from deeper looking, deeper kind of inquiring, you know, for myself, what's going on here? What do I not like? Or and what can I do, you could say, to overcome that? For instance, I can go back to the example.
As your options open up, as the possibilities open up for you, you might find it out that someone has stole let's say someone has stolen your idea at work. They took credit for it. They they had no problems taking credit for it, and they were even kind of a joke to you. And it really bothered you.
The way to resolve that might be I need to go to my boss and tell them what has happened. It may not be to go to the person and tell them. So I think we have to we have to see that there are multiple ways to resolve something that we're not willing to that we can't say out loud or we're not willing to say out loud. It isn't always go direct to the person.
I know we talk about it that way, but it's not even always a good idea. Right? So and I think that might be part of the reason people don't do it is because that might not be the right path.
There might be a a better path. Now people can do the same thing. Well, if I tell my boss, my boss will think blah blah blah blah blah blah. But if it's causing you to not be effective, then learning about yourself and figuring out what you can do to be more effective is really important. The reason I can't be free at work and talk about my ideas is because that person is in the meeting, and I don't trust that person.
Well, guess that guess you're right.
Yeah. You get to well, but now you're stuck. Now you're stuck with that that as the reason you can't express yourself. Okay.
That sucks. You don't want to live with that. Like, you don't wanna stop there. You wanna keep going.
You wanna keep looking.
Okay. What are the options? What are the possibilities? What else could you do? It's not that you're wrong for thinking that that person is not a safe person for you.
Trust your feelings. Trust yours. But don't stop there so that you end up not expressing yourself because that other person isn't trustworthy. Right?
The issue is you're gonna come up with all sorts of around all sorts of people that don't give you the feeling you need to feel for you to be fully expressed.
Right.
We do always think it has to be a direct conversation or nothing, very all or nothing.
And it's and that's frightening, especially for someone who's very conflict avoidant listening to the training, and they're like, I have to go bring it up?
I'm terrible at that or, you know, that never goes well. I'm sure it won't.
And, you know, we're It's too big of a leap.
It's too big of a jump. I do I think kind of I kind of agree with you. I almost feel like that part needs to be re reshot, reworked, or maybe just added on to, like, here's another. Here's some more more thoughts about that. To identify that you have a background conversation, that's really important.
That's it. Yeah.
Or a weed to identify that you have a weed in the garden. I was talking to this team this morning, and I said, you know, like, when you have a weed in the garden, but you let it get so big that by the time you pull it out, you pull out three really good plants? Like, you have to know you can't wait forever because it just gets worse and worse, and then you pull out stuff you really love.
Yeah.
So how can you pull the weed out of the garden at the right time and in a way that, you you know, you're clearing that part.
Like, going and having direct conversation is great, and you don't even say that.
Well, not even great. It's like it's better than not.
It's the way. Yeah. Yeah. I love what you just said about when you you wait too long, you end up pulling out good things.
Now I'm not a garden person, so I haven't had that experience. But I did have it recently with a friend where there was I I tried to pull weeds, but I kinda, like, made a feeble attempt at pulling them throughout the whole relationship to the point where we just had to not be friends anymore. So I just, like, spent all of last week grieving a friendship breakup that I initiated because and if I look back, it's like, yeah, I kinda talked to him about some leads, but I didn't make a firm grasp and, hey. This is what needs to happen.
And I I could've totally could've, which I'm not holding against myself now. I'm like, okay. Now I know. I have to be really direct and very, like, hey.
This that's like, you don't talk to me like that. We don't do that. That's not how it is. So that it doesn't get to the point where you just lose the entire plan.
You could have done it all. Right? You could have True. And it still needed to end.
Yeah. So even because you can't make another person change. Right. So especially if people don't respect boundaries or if people are they try to respect boundaries, but it's a little bit like, I'm sorry you're so sensitive, Michelle.
Yes. Yeah.
I have to remember that you are so sensitive. It's still like, oh my god.
What do you think?
Be like, hey. That thing you just said impacted me in this way, and he'd be like, man, this is really hard for me to keep track of. Like, dude, I'm not asking you to even keep track. Just like, right now, here's me telling you.
It's happening right now. Like, we're in it. It's like a saying, I respect your boundaries, and then what you do is not that. So I'm constantly having an inner battle of should I say something?
Should I say something? Is now the time?
When am I gonna I brought it up six or seven times throughout the course of the friendship, and then had to just be like I think it had to end.
From what you're saying, he wasn't committed to doing what he would have had to do to take care of you, to take care of you. He just wasn't. So he was trying to do it through memory. Like, I'll have to remember. And you're and not even that that statement is just too hard for me to keep track.
Well, that's In retrospect, I'm like, woah.
How did I not see this? But then at the same time, I'm like, no. I I was pretty I was pretty, like I don't know. Being the best in people who at fault is my that's my thing that I need to work out in the world. You know?
I know all about that. Yes. Yeah. And that will have you bend over backwards to make it work for the other person. And then, you know, as you mature and you start to see, well, they're not doing any of that.
I'm working super hard. Yeah.
That maybe that's just a sign that this can't I mean, you know, it's not to say that it can't work for you. Right? It could have worked for you if you could let it roll off your back every time or, like, you know, you just didn't it didn't impact you. But then you have to be honest with yourself and say, no.
That's really hurting my feelings. It's really it's really not okay with me. And I think this is at work too when we realize it's not okay with me. I'm not working with someone who does that.
Then you have a choice. Right? You have a choice. You can go to your boss and say, I can't work with this person.
I wanna be I wanna help have you help me find another job. You know? And I think Powerful. We don't sometimes we we're just not honest enough, or we don't care about ourselves enough to say, you know, I'm not working for a boss like that.
I'm not working with somebody who treats me like that. Just, like, oop. Don't try. No.
Not try. There's no try in here. I don't try. I either do it or I don't do it.
In this case, I am not doing it. Like, you you also, I guess, could say, who do you really have the background conversation with? Is the background conversation with the person or is it with the boss?
Like, there's we have somebody on the team that's doing this.
Why aren't you noticing that?
Yeah. Yeah.
Like, why am I feeling like I'm hanging out here by myself? I'm going through something with with a with a client that's a little bit with a particular person, and I keep thinking to myself, okay. I'm gonna get in front of this, and I'm gonna figure out I'm gonna take the high road, and I'm gonna make sure I do this report, and I show them blah blah blah. I'm also very aware that I don't really trust this person, and that's the way it is.
I don't. It's not I'm not pretending that I do. I'm doing what I need to do to make sure that I take care of my business, but there is no denying it for me that this person has done nothing to get the information that they should have. Nothing.
I'm also not gonna be saying it's all my fault. It's not. Now if somebody asked me, I might say, yeah. That was never managed.
That was never asked of me. That was never, you know, maybe not a good time to be pointing these things out to for people, but I don't care if they ask. If you boil it down, it's our relationship with ourselves.
It is. And trusting ourselves and taking care of ourselves.
