Committing to Generous Listening

August 15, 2024

TRANSCRIPT

A thing that I hear often is that generous listening is too hard to do over Zoom or, like, it's too hard to do virtually. And in person, it's so much easier, and this you can't really do it here because there's too many bells and whistles and things going on on our end, and so you just can't.

I think at any point in time, if it's if it's face to face with someone or on Zoom or in a conference room, whatever it is, it starts with a commitment because it is a practice that is not automatic. It's something you must practice, so you have to commit to it. You don't just go to the gym. Right?

This is like you just don't happen to find yourself driving to the gym. You go to the gym because you're committed to a result. I'm committed to feeling good. I'm committed to having strength.

I'm committed to, you know, what it you know, whatever your commitment is. Any kind of a practice in in communication is very similar. So the first thing is a commitment. Second thing is trying that thing in different settings, and different settings absolutely have different challenges that are built into them.

Be being in a group is different than being one on one. Being the leader of something, having a different role can affect your generous listening. Who you're standing in front of can. You know, sometimes if you're if you're in front of your boss, you'll notice your little voice is going insane.

Right? But then, okay, observe that. Notice that. Next time, see if you can be more put yourself in more of a a generous listening kind of presence, which is really what it is.

You can generously listen on the telephone without any video. You can do that, and you can hear when people are distracted, and you can hear when people are not listening to you. I mean, I remember being years ago when I we all we did is have the phone Right. Not that long ago, and I spent a lot of time on the phone.

Me too.

And I would I could tell if someone was distracted.

They weren't saying anything, but they weren't listening, and you could tell. So you could listen to their listening. And I got really good at it. I'm sure you got really good at it.

I still do coaching on the phone.

Yeah. And it was not a barrier.

Yeah. Right? It just so when you're committed to something, you figure it out. You get over it.

So I think what people are saying is not that they're saying I'm not committed to learning this, but maybe they don't understand this is not a simple tweak. This is not this is being in a very different state of mind when you're having a conversation. It's being awake. It's being intentional.

Right? It's being, what we say, open, present, and connected.

And now I know this, like, right now when I'm looking at you this is funny because I think I've adapted over time.

Your eyes are not like, right now, your eyes are not making eye eye contact they are. But now they are.

But I can't see you.

Yeah. But I know you're making but I know you're looking at me when you're looking like that. I'm I'm having the same experience, I think. I mean, it might be slightly altered because your eye because we're not making eye.

But I know we're making I know you're looking at me. Right. I think in the beginning of COVID and when when when it was more foreign, of course, and then we were we hadn't ever done it before to that to that extent, and we weren't seeing people or I wasn't seeing anybody in person, really. Right.

And I think for a long time, that was just like it was affecting my nervous system. It was effect no. Not so much.

Got used to it.

I think we got I think we adapted to it, but it it doesn't mean we dulled that. I mean, maybe we dumped it down a bit, but I don't think so.

Yeah. I agree. I and I I love the it's a commitment. So, like, that comes before everything. And I think that's just in line with commitment in general that when you're committed to something, you move obstacles out of the way. You just do. It's not a question.

And Yeah. And why we get committed to it, okay, is also, like, as important as why would you be committed to listening. You're committed to the result of the listening. Yeah. Right? You're committed to the results you would get, higher levels of trust, more information, hearing what the person is feeling, not just what they're saying. So deeper levels of intimacy, fulfillment, feeling connected.

That's what we're craving. People are craving that. So if you say, okay. Here's a practice that will give you all of those things. It will slow you down.

It will help you absorb more. You'll remember more. You'll feel happier. Even if you hear really sad stuff, you will feel happy because you had an authentic human connection with another person in a conversation that took two minutes.

Right? So that's why you wanna be committed to it. If you're committed to just having your mind rattle off stuff to you constantly that makes you crazy and feel nervous or feel worried, you know, who's committed to that? That's just Yeah.

That's just what we got. That's just that's just that automatic stuff.

Well, that makes people not wanna have conversations at all.

Yeah. And feel depressed and feel disconnected and, you know, not be happy and have that access. So I think that's the you know, maybe sometimes we need to strive the you know, talk about the benefit more. That doesn't mean just because you're committed to something doesn't mean you're automatically gonna be good at it right away.

Right? You're still gonna be a beginner. It's still gonna take a lot of practice. You're still gonna be feeling like it's hard.

It is hard in the beginning. But if you keep doing it, it gets easier. You get more benefit just like working out, just like learning to play an instrument or, you know, go up and do comedy acts in front of people. You know?

I mean, it it's over time, you learn and you become better.

Oh, yeah. I'm more comfortable on the stage than I am in an audience at this point. And the bigger the audience, the better. I spoke I told a funny story at an event a few weeks ago, and people were like, are you nervous?

I am right now. But as soon as I step out on the stage, I'll be fine. It'll be like jumping into a warm bath because there's a hundred and fifty people in the audience, and that's fantastic for me. So I love that.

But it didn't always feel that way. I'm sure it started in my living room. So it's been a lot of practice for many years. But I'll tell you the one other thing I want to mention about this is that I notice when a friend calls because they just experienced they just got bad news.

Someone died. This happens to me a lot. I happen to be the person that a lot of people call right when they find this out, and their clients or ex clients or close friends. And at this point, it's happened so much, and I've practiced the generous listening in these scenarios because truly, what else is there to do but generously listen to that person?

So I noticed that when they call, it's like a switch flips in my brain. I'm generously listening now, and it's it's not hard at all because the decision is made. That's all there is to do.

And it's so easy to do then because and it's even relaxing because it's like, wow. I don't have to provide solutions. I don't have to do anything. There's no right thing to say. And yet that's the scenario I hear the most people say. I just don't know what the right thing is to say to my friend when they call me with you know, they're going through a hard time.

And I'm like, this is the one time when you don't have to say anything.

You really don't. I mean You're so right. I mean, it's not it's not the same thing. It's a doing it's a being thing. Right? It's being there for people.

And, I mean, that doesn't mean you don't say anything. Right. You might say, that's I'm so sad. I feel bad for you. You know? Or I Mhmm. Hear about the loss.

Wow. This sucks.

Yeah. Oh my god. You know? Sometimes it's it's just being with the other person's pain and holding them, you know, without having to fix them, without having to change how they how they are in that moment and not becoming especially with grief.

Right? Because people can become so self conscious. They start to make it about them, and they're not the one experiencing loss. They're they're just trying they just don't you know, it's an awkward time for a lot of people.

Yeah. It's a hard one. But that's I if anyone ever balks at generous listening or is kinda like, when is this appropriate? I use that as an example, and they can kinda key in. Not that it's the only time, but, like, it's definitely a time where that would be useful. And I think most people can relate to not knowing what to do when someone comes to them with something really heavy.

Yeah.

So to me, it's like, oh, that's the easy button. That's that's the easiest thing to do Then decision made to your point about commitment.

You have to get out of the way to do it. Right? You have to provide you have to be be able to be there for another person. Yeah. Just be with them. Yeah.

And a lot of people can't imagine that just being with someone is valuable. Actually, I had someone say, I never considered that I could be valuable to someone without providing something.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Then you can. Yay.