Pretending to Pay Attention

August 13, 2024

TRANSCRIPT

I've been getting a lot of questions about generous listening when we teach it in the trainings. And one of them that people bring up a lot is to say, well, what if I really like when people tell me stories about them, or I like when people give me advice? I don't really like this kind of relating where, you know, the other person is just listening. And I was curious your thoughts.

So let's just step back for one second too just to say that I mean, when we're really listening generously, we are getting into the other person's experience, and it is a completely different kind of listening than the normal hearing and interpreting. Right? It's not just saying, oh, this is really great or this is interesting to me.

Sometimes it's like, you know, this is entertaining me, and I like it. It's keeping my attention.

Sometimes we're not listening at all. As Stephen Covey says, you know, we're just we're pretending to listen or literally not listening. So when we talk about generous listening, we're saying you're giving your listening to the speaker like a gift. Right? So you're we're saying the speaking needs some place to land for it to get communicated fully. Most conversations, the speaker is kinda maybe not really paying attention to what they're saying, and the listener is not really paying attention to what they're hearing.

We tend to more be paying attention to what we're saying about what the other person is saying. We're interpreting what they're saying or we're thinking about something completely different. So we are listening to our little voice, not listening to what the other person is saying. So generous listening is a it's like going into a completely other plane of being, which is being open, present, and connected. I think sometimes when people first do it, they're like, oh, it's active listening, or it's just me, you know, maybe paying more attention, which both of those things would be better than not paying any attention.

But bully generously listening is entering another person's world.

Really getting them.

Getting over there with them.

Getting over there with them and and seeking to really understand what they're saying, not trying to change them, not trying to alter where they're at. So I think when people say, you know, I like it when people interact with me, or I want people to agree with me or disagree with me, or I want to that's some kinda regular normal conversation. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. There's you know, it's kinda like how we pass a lot of time. We just people talk, people listen or don't listen, and, you know, sometimes people just talk.

There's nobody listening. They don't care.

So what is the thing that they say that they say I think you're they'd say, like, what?

But I like I like when people tell me a story about them or relate with me. But I think you hit it. I think you're hitting on exactly it. It's not that that's wrong.

It's that it is distinct from what we're teaching. And when you said provide it you say give the listening as a gift. You say that in the video. So I've heard that a lot.

But when you said giving the speaking a place to land, I thought about when my my husband is carrying my daughter sleeping daughter in from the car, and I run upstairs and I move the blanket back, and I just, like, make it all so that she has a place to land. And it's all focused on her, and it's not about me, especially because she's sleeping. I'm not being performative mom. You know?

I'm not trying to do something nice for her. I'm like, oh, let me make it. And that's how it feels in a conversation when someone's really listening like that. I'm probably only listened to like that by coaches or a therapist.

There's just very few people in my life that make me feel like they're really trying to create a place for what I'm saying to land.

Yeah. And hear what you're actually saying and being present enough and interested enough and curious enough. It's mostly being curious about you know, it's kinda like saying you're you are different than me. You you have a way of seeing the world that is not the same way I'm seeing the world.

My job isn't to convince you to see the world the way I see the world. My my job in this conversation when you're generously listening is for me to understand how you're to as best I can. Right, to see how you're seeing in the world, to feel how you're feeling in the world, to validate that your point of view is valid. You know, it's sort of like and when like you said, I like that you kinda said that too.

It's very good people listen to us. I I would say I have the same experience. It's kinda like, what's up, buddy? Please.

I mean, I when I'm teaching, people are listening, but I'm not talking about myself. Right? I'm I mean, I'm teaching, which is which is awesome. It's, you know, important that people are listening. But, yeah, most people are so busy with their own lives or their own narrative in their head, right, about what they gotta do next or where they gotta go, what's the next agenda item that a family member or their somebody who they work with is talking, we don't lean in and say, why not?

That's really interesting. How is it that you're seeing it that way? Can you imagine?

Honestly, when it happens, I have a a friend I talk to every week. I just spoke to him this morning. He's a coach, and he generously listens, like, more than most people I know. And I noticed, like, at first, I'm always more self conscious talking to him because I'm just more suddenly aware of myself.

He's aware of me. He was telling me something. I started to write it down, and he immediately goes, what have you done? You know, he won't speak into no listening.

He just won't do it, which I love. It's such a good example.

Yes. Same thing happened. Really?

And I love to say to him, I was writing down every word you said, actually.

I just didn't tell you that's what I was doing. But I admire that about him because he won't just mindlessly speak. And and when I show up, he instantly is like, oh, we did this with your hair today. Or or there's just a level of awareness about me and curiosity about me anytime I talk to him. And I'm always like, woah. But I think more about what I look like or how I'm doing before I talk to him even.

So his listening is with me before I even get on the phone with him.

Yeah. Which is really cool.

I like to think of this as someone who's generously listening is raising the level of the discourse, and so everyone is more present. If someone is coming into a conversation really present and ready to be there for you and listen to you, even if it's a dialogue and not a coaching session. Right? It's a it's just a conversation between two people.

The the quality of the listening affects the quality of the speaking. And so, like you said, all of a sudden, you're, like, more conscious. You're more aware. You could be even self conscious, like I'm taking up too much space. You know? Like, oh my god. I talk too much or maybe maybe I shouldn't be you know, because it's weird.

I hear this a lot. Oh, man. Actually. Spaced. Right.

Express myself. Better say something good or valuable.

Or It's and it's uncomfortable.

If you don't experience it regularly, it doesn't feel like dropping into a warm bed. It at first, it feels a little and that makes sense because we don't we just don't get it very often.

That kind of nerves.

Image of your husband carrying your daughter. Right? It's like taking the weight. You know, I think that's the other thing that when someone's really listening to us, it can feel like we can let down our guard.

We let down our guard when we're sleeping. Right? We're really we're in some sort of trust because talk about vulnerable. Right?

And I think we often can't you can't command that, where you can't command yourself to sleep and you can't command yourself to let down your guard. Something's provided in lit in that kind of space of generous listening. Now I totally get that it's uncomfortable. But if we did it on a regular basis and it was reciprocated and we were building that that level of communication between people, I mean, the sky's the limit.

I believe that deeply.

I I believe it too.

That we are wasting enormous amounts of breath and enormous amounts of time saying nothing or or just repeating the same thing over and over again.

Yeah. And then complaining that that's how conversations go. And think I I feel like I hear a lot from people, not just in a training here, but friends. My husband will talk, but that they're in a meeting and no one in the meet none of the leaders are actually there to hear what people wanna say.

So then the people show up and they're sort of half there waiting to hear their name. I I love when people start to realize that they could be the one catalyst that changes the entire discourse because I I really think that one person could change the way a meeting goes. And I know because I change the way meetings go all the time. And I know I noticed that I'm and people say to me, oh, I love when you're there because I noticed I pay more attention when you're there.

Well, I wonder why. Yeah. It's like we're Yeah. We all have the power to do that.

It's not it's not happenstance.

Yeah. And that's not to say that the speaking can also do that. Right? So you True.

If you're the person in the room that's present and you're willing to say the thing that nobody will say, you're not going into that automatic mode of waiting or thinking, oh my gosh. This is a stupid meeting. Why are we here? But you're saying, what can I bring to this meeting?

What how can I move this meeting or this project or this conversation forward?

Yet you'll stand out as you're in that space. This is my meeting, not this is just another meeting. Right? It's kind of like, I would say, bring the party with you.

Bring the commitment that you are with you. Don't wait for someone to have to be you know, don't wait for a leader or don't wait for somebody to be a certain way for that to occur. And we do that, you know, a fair amount. We sit back and we wait, see how they're gonna show.

If they show up present, I'll get present. Rather than if I'm present, that could impact everybody else. Yeah.

I mean, it's sort of like saying, I'll have a good day if the sun's out. It's not wrong. It's just that now you're beholden to something outside of you and you can't cause any difference. I'm I'm big into people's leadership, bringing your actual leadership no matter whether you have a role in the title or not because it's a it's a way of being, not a role.